My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
