You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
babies were throwing up all over the place
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
