i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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