Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can't put those talents on a resume
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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