Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
