WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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