ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
