the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
