Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
