never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Everclear isn't food dammit
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
