My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You're a waste of cheezeits
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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