the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
