Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
