you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Success! We fucked roommates!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
