you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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