Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
