worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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