I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
