My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
