I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
