Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
