when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
