Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
