I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
