remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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