yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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