just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
