3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
