i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
