So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
