we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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