I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
