remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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