I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
