I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
