i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
