I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
A+ Viking dick
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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