Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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