My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
