a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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