you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
