did you get engaged???
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
