I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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