And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
