Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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