He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
