I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
