she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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