Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
