he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
