my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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