u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
