she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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