I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize