The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
