You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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