I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
