I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
