we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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