you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
