I'll bet she douches with gravy.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
