so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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