I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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