Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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