I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
