Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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